By Billy Perlmutter

Welcome to the NBA Offseason, where NBA insiders are put to the test, and radio personalities get the month off. That’s alright, though, I don’t need Colin Cowherd telling me what to watch for this offseason. I can do that myself.

DeAndre Jordan: He doesn’t have a post move he can put to memory, if he takes a shot outside the paint it’s because there’s one second left on the shot clock, and he shoots 39.7% from the free throw line. But my God, can he jump. Jordan’s hand-eye coordination is just good enough so he can catch a lob or pocket pass from Chris Paul, but beyond that, he doesn’t bring a whole lot to the table on the offensive side. Defense, however, that’s a different story. Jordan has built a reputation for himself on the defensive end, even getting a comparison to the second-greatest player of all time, Bill Russell, from his coach, Doc Rivers. Then again, Doc has done everything short of giving DeAndre foot massages after every game.

DeAndre stares deep into the eyes of the ref, begging not to be given the ball to shoot his 27th free throw attempt of the half.

Wait… what’s that? Adrian Wojnarowski is now reporting that several sources inside the Clippers organization have indicated to him that Doc Rivers has in fact given multiple foot rubs to DeAndre Jordan. I expect Jordan to re-sign with the Clippers, foot rubs aside. He’s a player that needs a great point guard to get him buckets, and he’s got one in Chris Paul. In addition to a generous coach and gifted point guard, the Clippers’ owner, Steve Balmer, is one of the richest people in the world, and a crazy-man. Who knows, maybe Balmer promises something to Jordan once his career is over? Wouldn’t be the first time something like that has happened.

LaMarcus Aldridge: Don’t do it, LaMarcus. Please don’t do it. Don’t sign with the Spurs. I can just imagine Tony, Manu, Timmy, and Pop all sitting around a poker table in some dimly lit basement smoking cigars and laughing maniacally. Just picture any scene from Goodfellas, insert those four guys, and they fit perfectly. Aldridge is a perennial 23-and-10 guy and seems to be a perfect successor to Tim Duncan, who appears to be entering his last season. Then again, it’s Tim Freakin’ Duncan, the Dumbledore of basketball.

Watch out for the Suns, though. Phoenix acquired Tyson Chandler, a poor man’s DeAndre Jordan, to lure Aldridge, who doesn’t like playing center, to the desert. There are reports that Portland is still in the mix to retain Aldridge, but it seems as if they are in desperation mode. He’s outta there. The former Trailblazers center also met with the Lakers, and, ex[ectedly, things went poorly. Why? Because Kobe and Aldridge didn’t get along. Kobe? Another human being? Not getting along?!?

DeMarcus Cousins: Boogie has contributed to the Kings’ claiming of The Most Dysfunctional Franchise In American Sports Award. Congratulations Vivek, Vladie, and Coach Karl!! (That’s right, they’ve passed the Raiders, Jets, Redskins, 1995-2012 Cowboys, and 2004, 2013 Marlins.) Boogie, though, is an unreal talent, utilizing a mix of size and speed we haven’t seen since Shaq. He just hasn’t been able to put it all together upstairs. Realistically, he’s a combination of DeAndre Jordan and LaMarcus Aldridge. DeAndre and LaMarcus’s couple name would be… DeMarcus?

Recently, and particularly before the draft, there had been talks about a trade involving Cousins. Ownership doesn’t want to trade him, but George Karl, who took over midway through last season, wanted to get rid of Boogie, sharing a desire that most of Karl’s predecessors have felt. For now, it seems that Cousins is staying put, but then again, who knows what Vivek is gonna do. After all, this is the guy who made his team employ a strategy he had used in coaching his 10-year-old daughter. Long live Boogie, and long live Vivek.

Boogie wonders to himself why all of his coaches want to trade him.

Cleveland Cavaliers: The city of Cleveland probably feels like the nerdy kid in high school who’s never gotten any attention, but then he kicks the winning field goal for his school’s football team and he’s all anyone can talk about for two months. LeBron, in this case, is the winning field goal, and Kevin Love is the football; he gets kicked around but he’s necessary for the operation. Love is coming back on a five-year, $110 million contract, saying that there is “unfinished business” in Cleveland. Now, you’re probably wondering, What the hell can you do with $110 million? Well, I’m glad you asked.

1) Buy 5,000,000 Netflix subscriptions — $65,050,000 left over

2) Pay off the losses for the following Adam Sandler movies: That’s My Boy, Little Nicky, and Punch-Drunk Love — $24,750,000 to go

3) 50 commercial flights to space on Virgin Galactic (basically the most capitalist thing anyone has ever created) — $12,250,000 remaining

4) 1,226,226 subscriptions to TIDALthe Yahoo! Screen of music streaming services — $0.00 left. phew.

New York Knicks: Ah, yes, the Knicks. The basketball team that is the equivalent of a dumpster fire on a nuclear wasteland during a tsunami in a third-world country. No real analysis with this one, I just wanted to use that metaphor somewhere in this column.

Philadelphia 76ers: The 76ers should be busy this offseason. Not because of any basketball related issues, but because there’s supposed to be a killer party in honor of GM Sam Hinkie’s lack of capacity for shame. Sources say the party would have grown into a full-blown parade had it not been for the fact that Hinkie does not possess the world’s smallest capacity for shame, finishing runner-up to, of course, Donald Trump. Ironic because in a very short time Hinkie will be hearing the words, “Yuh fired.”

Charlotte Hornets: It’s widely regarded that as a player Michael Jordan is the GOAT. But when it comes to running a basketball team, he’s about as talented as an actual goat. First Kwame Brown, then Adam Morrison, now… something possibly even worse. It’s being reported that Jordan and the Hornets passed up a deal from the Celtics which would have given them six draft picks in total, four first rounders and two seconds. Instead of taking this monster deal, Jordan decided to take Frank Kaminsky, the seven-foot center out of Wisconsin, who, by all accounts, does not project to be an all-star caliber player. But hey, who needs a shitload of assets when you can have Frank The Tank.

Simmons: The real travesty of this offseason was Bill Simmon’s departure from ESPN, and therefore television. His absence was felt, especially, at the draft. He’s about the only draft analyst you can make a top five list of  greatest draft-moments. Some people tuned into the draft for the suits, others for the drama, the intrigue, but I tuned in for Bill Simmons. Here’s why.

5. Simmons fist-pumps for his own team’s pick in the late first round, only to remember where he was. Who knew James Young could evoke such a reaction in a middle-aged man?

4. BS calls out Doc Rivers for quitting on the Celtics, only to lead to Rivers calling him an idiot in an interview with an ESPN reporter. Simmons has to react to being called an idiot on live TV, on live TV.

3. Rips apart Celtics-Nets deal instead of, you know, covering the draft. But, hey! It was the second round. I’d rather watch a die-hard, lifetime Celtics fan rant about the blowing up of his team than watch Fran Fraschilla rave about how a seven-foot, 140-pounder from Moldova taken by the 76ers is going to be a star when he arrives in 2037.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJzx-PeG8zs 

2. Simmons can’t help but complain that the Heat got an undersized point guard in the late first round via trade. On the surface, sure, it sounds petty, but you’ve got to remember this guy is programmed to hate Pat Riley with a burning passion.

 

1. This clip is not only my favorite Bill Simmons draft moment, but probably my favorite draft moment in general. From David Stern egging on the crowd, to the despondent face of Nerlens Noel, then along with Simmons screaming “WOOOAAHHH” and “I need medical help!”, this one’s got to take the cake. Let’s hope our guy can find a job somewhere before next year’s draft. 

 

 

Not a draft moment, but Simmons once appeared on SportsCenter dressed like this. Never change, Bill. (Apparently, he never does.)

So that’s the NBA’s offseason. It’ll be exciting, dramatic, and full of breaking news, some of which is sure to astonish. But let’s be real here, we’re all just waiting for football to start.

 

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